Hiding Out

11am                   Writing Practice               48°  Boise

Sunny, windy and chilly out there today. The cats are out in it, I think they found a sunny spot to sit and pretend that everything is OK. I got up late for no good reason except I had to take a little extra bit of sleep aid in order to get to sleep after the brownies I ate at the meeting of the Compassionate Friends last night. I made a plate of cookies and brownies, all from scratch, and they were well received. Those meetings are only once a month, I should go every month, it would probably be good for me.

I realize that I'm hiding out the past few weeks, not making any efforts at all to have a life or be in this world. I'm very bored with it all. I don't want to buy a new car yet, it's too cold for yard work, I don't feel like bothering with it yet, and I don't feel inspired to write any of the projects I've got lined up. I've been reading in the back bedroom. That's my hide out. It's like a little cave back there, warm and snug, perfect for escaping from anyone and everyone. I've been turning the ringer off on the phone and I spend very little time on FB. Turns out I simply don't care about anyone, nothing interests me, I'm tired of it all and there's simply no reason to put forth any effort on anything. I've decided to go with this for a bit. All my life I've had to get out, go to school, go to work, make the dinner, run the errands, keep life organized for people. There are no people now. It's only me. Just me. I have stepped outside the river of the world and have let it rush by without me and I'm OK with that for now. I've never really done this before, never had the opportunity before. Now I do and so I shall avail myself.

My birthday is a week from Sunday. I may drive over the Sumpter and spend the night at the motel there. I'd love a cabin but they have gotten too stinking expensive. If I leave here at around noon, I would arrive by 3pm ready to check in somewhere. There are trails for walking all around up there. I could take some ashes to scatter out by the cemetery if I wanted to. I could invite someone to go with me but I don't want anyone to go with me. I want to be alone. I don't want to go to dinner with people, I don't want to be out in public. Sumpter seems like a great place for how I'm feeling. If I still feel like this, then.

Emotions come and go like the waves of the ocean and can be just as infinite and just as deep. I'm down in that silent world under that water, holding my breath, barely moving my limbs to conserve oxygen .... sunlight is slanting through the water from way above and below is utter darkness, a blue so deep that it's almost but not quite black. The immensity of this space is frightening and I sometimes feel my heart flutter in a flash of fear but then I remember that I'm here of my own free will. I want to feel this, all of this, all of life in all it's aspects. I've been afraid of these depths all my life and now here I am, hungering for it, ready to be engulfed by it all. For this is where Stephen is, where the best part of him remains and I yearn to connect with him in this place of emotion so deep that there is no air to breath and no sound to hear expect the beating of my own heart. I can stay in this space as long as I want, for it's only a flicker of time and yet it feels like eternity. I won't be harmed here, this is the place, the source of all life --- I'm safe and relaxed now, just waiting for Stephen to arrive and take my hand and show me where he is now, let me feel what he's feeling and get a peek at life from his new perspective.

I'll stay here for as long as it takes, Stephen. Mama is waiting for you, honey.