10:45am Writing Practice 59° Boise
I wrote in my journal over the weekend but I see that I missed writing for the last three days. Yesterday I went to Baker, so no time to write before the trip. Monday and Tuesday I was involved in writing on Facebook in response to the murders at the gay club in Orlando early Sunday morning. 49 people dead and 53 more still in the hospital. What a mess! And the fight over gun control rages. In my mind, we don't need gun control, we need assault weapon control. No one needs a semi-automatic weapon in their home. Period. How did it come to this, that our country is so polarized around so many issues? This is only one of them. Why is everyone so angry and mean to each other?
11:19
OK, I'm back at it. Phone calls and scouting on FB, looking for Chaz Bowman, a young man who asked me for help last night, help for he and his pregnant girlfriend. And I'm here in Idaho while they are in a coastal town on the East Coast. Over 2000 miles away, what can I do? 9pm for me, 11pm for them .... When things get to a point that they are so bad that you're asking for help from people far away in the middle of the night, what can be done at that point? At that moment? Today I can't find hide nor hair of them. Chaz left a cryptic message on his page saying he did the best he could, I love you all, and that's it. No one responded. He's burned all his bridges and now it appears that no one cares. I was there with Stephen like that his last few days of life, I know how helpless Chaz feels and I also don't know what to do about it. I couldn't help Stephen from afar and I can't help Chaz either.
This is the pits. So much sadness and hate in the world today. I think I'll close up shop here, go get my breakfast and then hop in the shower with my story on CD. I listened to 4 of the discs yeserday on my trip to Baker with my new car stereo with the CD player and it was fippin' amazing! I have Bluetooth for my phone and the iPad mini, although I haven't set the mini up yet. I sure do love that thing, too. Now that I have the new stereo, I guess I plan to keep the car a while longer and I'm OK with it. The last few months I've spent too much money, I'm not at all sure I can afford a car payment right now.
I had lots of vivid dreams last night that have faded with the day. The most real one was coming into a little house where a acquaintance had set up a business and thinking how lovely it was. It was mostly a kitchen, a nice one, and others were coming in, too. Then I went around the corner and there was another kitchen and another acquaintance set up for business. And more like that, the place was much bigger than it seemed. Then Vicki Fisk came in and I told her how much I wanted to set up a business and be involved with this place and she said she was first, she was already on the list for next. I felt so frustrated! I must want to find a place where I feel that I belong with others. A group of like-minded people. My high school friends are not that, none of them are. Not a one. I don't even know why I'm involved with them right now. (I had my monthly meeting with them in Baker yesterday. Long drive.) Jane Ross is the closet one, I think. She will be there at the reunion, I'll go for her, but I may turn over the MC job and program planning to Paula Taylor. That would give the crowd a new face and give Paula an opportunity to shine. I'll call her later and discuss it with her, what a great idea! I'll just go and relax and enjoy. What relief I feel at the prospect of handing that over. Wow!
OK, I'm off to my breakfast and shower. Good. I did my writing today.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Friday, June 10, 2016
Friday
9:03am Writing Practice 69° Boise
Not as cool out this morning as it was yesterday but still nice. I've been planning my new back yard after the deck is removed and I have the idea that the space will look much bigger. I'll repurpose all my flagstones and create a patio and then refresh the pebbles. I have access to drip water in two odd places after the deck is gone but I can use those to water pots of flowers in summer and maybe do rock groupings for winter. It will change the whole atmosphere out here, that's for sure. Maybe I can also hang white Christmas lights on the fence and in the trees. I have a feeling that this area will be much more user friendly and easier to keep up. At least it won't have to be painted and it won't rot. That's something.
The day at the zoo was really cool yesterday. Ray loved being there and I got some great photos --- except the one photo I really wish I had was the little penguin that seemed to like Ray so much. He kept coming by, dashing by his hand and shoulder by the glass. I'm going to make a picture book for Ray with the photos I took and tell the stories. Maybe I'll write it more universally for kids with special needs in mind, to let them know that they can enjoy the zoo even with "broken eyes". Wow, I wonder what that kind of picture book that would be? What would I say to someone who asked why their eyes are broken? Or their ears? Or their bodies? No one is perfect, everyone on Earth has challenges that seem not fair and yet, it's those very challenges that make each one of us unique. The challenges bring out aspects of our personalities that we might never know about without the challenge. I could have Ray ask each of the animals why his eyes are broken and have each animal answer. But then I would have to research what to say. This is a good idea but not one that I'm ready for right now.
Well, I've downloaded my photos and shared a few on FB. I still have photos from the zip line to share. Dang. I haven't been into photography at all this summer. I had a session with a couple last month and they didn't want any prints and even though they thanked me, I still feel like they didn't like their pictures. I'm going to stop doing them for free, those sessions. I'll do a friends rate session for $50 and then prints or a CD. I think people don't really appreciate something they get for free. I certainly don't enjoy it! Anne did use a couple of the shots on her FB page but not one mention was made of payment of any kind. I've got to stop doing that!
Also, my big printer is worn out and I need a new one. $300! Do I want another big printer like that? Have I used it enough to warrant buying a new one? The old one lasted for 3 years and I used it plenty. But my little HP is 16 years old and still working. Should I just get a new smaller Epson, one that I can travel with and still make cards with but no bigger prints. I've made so few bigger prints, I question whether it would be worth the money to buy and replace that big one.
Plus, on impulse I bought a new car stereo yesterday to the tune of $208. It's all installed and all I have to do is learn to use it. It's got a CD player and Bluetooth and all the bells and whistles. Then I came home last night and washed the car and shined it us all pretty. It seems that I'm going to keep it a few more years and even if I don't, I can switch out the new system with the old one and I'm good to go again. That made me feel better when I thought of spending that much money on such an old car. Of course, it will cost $50 to swap them out but what the hell. If I buy a used car I'll have a new stereo to put in it for only $50. Hey, that's another $100 when it's all said and done. Unless I have both cars there at the same time, which would be a hassle. Oh well, I shant worry about it right now.
It's shaping up to be another purely gorgeous day and I have no plans until this afternoon. Oh, but I do have to wash my hair and I was going to vacuum my car and begin the detail process to get it all beautiful again. Now that I'm going to keep it, I may as well get her pretty. I may even buy new floor mats and look at seat covers.
Also, I need a new horn! While driving down Overland toward the studio last week, a black guy on a bicycle wandered out to cross against the light and the car in the lane next to me didn't slow down. I was just sure that guy was a goner and I yelled and wished for a horn REALLY BAD! It's really not safe to drive without one, I can see that now. I watched a squirrel get hit a few months ago and I didn't have a horn to honk at him. He ran halfway into the street, sat there looking agitated and upset, slashing his tail around and if I had had a horn, I could have honked at him and maybe he would have run back the way he came. But as it was, I was helpless as I watched him dash on and under the wheels of a car and BAM, he was dead. It happened very fast but it upset me so bad, I can still see it all in my mind's eye. Yes, I need a horn.
I hope I can afford all the things that are cropping up for me lately. Hard to save money when I'm spending it so fast. Sure is fun, though.
Not as cool out this morning as it was yesterday but still nice. I've been planning my new back yard after the deck is removed and I have the idea that the space will look much bigger. I'll repurpose all my flagstones and create a patio and then refresh the pebbles. I have access to drip water in two odd places after the deck is gone but I can use those to water pots of flowers in summer and maybe do rock groupings for winter. It will change the whole atmosphere out here, that's for sure. Maybe I can also hang white Christmas lights on the fence and in the trees. I have a feeling that this area will be much more user friendly and easier to keep up. At least it won't have to be painted and it won't rot. That's something.
The day at the zoo was really cool yesterday. Ray loved being there and I got some great photos --- except the one photo I really wish I had was the little penguin that seemed to like Ray so much. He kept coming by, dashing by his hand and shoulder by the glass. I'm going to make a picture book for Ray with the photos I took and tell the stories. Maybe I'll write it more universally for kids with special needs in mind, to let them know that they can enjoy the zoo even with "broken eyes". Wow, I wonder what that kind of picture book that would be? What would I say to someone who asked why their eyes are broken? Or their ears? Or their bodies? No one is perfect, everyone on Earth has challenges that seem not fair and yet, it's those very challenges that make each one of us unique. The challenges bring out aspects of our personalities that we might never know about without the challenge. I could have Ray ask each of the animals why his eyes are broken and have each animal answer. But then I would have to research what to say. This is a good idea but not one that I'm ready for right now.
Well, I've downloaded my photos and shared a few on FB. I still have photos from the zip line to share. Dang. I haven't been into photography at all this summer. I had a session with a couple last month and they didn't want any prints and even though they thanked me, I still feel like they didn't like their pictures. I'm going to stop doing them for free, those sessions. I'll do a friends rate session for $50 and then prints or a CD. I think people don't really appreciate something they get for free. I certainly don't enjoy it! Anne did use a couple of the shots on her FB page but not one mention was made of payment of any kind. I've got to stop doing that!
Also, my big printer is worn out and I need a new one. $300! Do I want another big printer like that? Have I used it enough to warrant buying a new one? The old one lasted for 3 years and I used it plenty. But my little HP is 16 years old and still working. Should I just get a new smaller Epson, one that I can travel with and still make cards with but no bigger prints. I've made so few bigger prints, I question whether it would be worth the money to buy and replace that big one.
Plus, on impulse I bought a new car stereo yesterday to the tune of $208. It's all installed and all I have to do is learn to use it. It's got a CD player and Bluetooth and all the bells and whistles. Then I came home last night and washed the car and shined it us all pretty. It seems that I'm going to keep it a few more years and even if I don't, I can switch out the new system with the old one and I'm good to go again. That made me feel better when I thought of spending that much money on such an old car. Of course, it will cost $50 to swap them out but what the hell. If I buy a used car I'll have a new stereo to put in it for only $50. Hey, that's another $100 when it's all said and done. Unless I have both cars there at the same time, which would be a hassle. Oh well, I shant worry about it right now.
It's shaping up to be another purely gorgeous day and I have no plans until this afternoon. Oh, but I do have to wash my hair and I was going to vacuum my car and begin the detail process to get it all beautiful again. Now that I'm going to keep it, I may as well get her pretty. I may even buy new floor mats and look at seat covers.
Also, I need a new horn! While driving down Overland toward the studio last week, a black guy on a bicycle wandered out to cross against the light and the car in the lane next to me didn't slow down. I was just sure that guy was a goner and I yelled and wished for a horn REALLY BAD! It's really not safe to drive without one, I can see that now. I watched a squirrel get hit a few months ago and I didn't have a horn to honk at him. He ran halfway into the street, sat there looking agitated and upset, slashing his tail around and if I had had a horn, I could have honked at him and maybe he would have run back the way he came. But as it was, I was helpless as I watched him dash on and under the wheels of a car and BAM, he was dead. It happened very fast but it upset me so bad, I can still see it all in my mind's eye. Yes, I need a horn.
I hope I can afford all the things that are cropping up for me lately. Hard to save money when I'm spending it so fast. Sure is fun, though.
Thursday
8:56am Writing Practice 63° Boise
Cooled of considerably overnight, just as promised. In fact, it's too chilly to sit on the deck and write so I'm back in the house in my favorite chair, got the Baja ocean sounds on the TV via YouTube and all the windows are open to let in the fresh air. It's a crystal clear glorious day out there today, almost miraculous compared to the last week, and I'm very glad to going to the zoo today. I'll bet the animals are all really happy with this delicious coolness! Should be a good day at the zoo.
I was thinking about Ray and Yvonne this morning, how they have included me in their lives since Gerald has been gone. Then I think of all the people I know in Boise and around the country, around the world, and I realized just today that I don't really like anyone. I used to like people. I used to have things to talk about with people when I met them. Not any more. I feel cut out of life, or at least the life I used to have --- there's a Randy-shaped hole where I used to be and the real me is now over here. Alone. I feel pasted on the scenery like a paper doll and just as useless and flat. You can just call me Flat Randy from now on, that's what I feel like. I wonder if I'll ever feel anything again like I used to. Excitement. Joy. Contentment. Sure, there are flashes of those occasionally but almost like an echo, not the real thing. I enjoyed the ziplining trip about as much as anything since Stephen died. Now today I'll put on my normal face and go to the zoo and I'm sure it will be OK.
It's so hard to define what I'm feeling, to put into words what my life feels like to me now. On a day like today with the perfect weather looming for the next few days, I could be excited and looking forward to summer fun somewhere. Stephen sure would be, an ideal day like today would have sent him into orbit! But he's not here to inspire me. Is he? He might be and I just can't tell.
Oh well. On a different note, the handyman came over to look at the deck yesterday and after careful examination, it looks like it needs to be torn down. It will be about $500 to remove it, maybe less if I help, which I will. Then well need to redesign that space. I think a flagstone patio with a fire pit would be nice. I have a few weeks to get out there and clean it all up before we start so that the tree crap doesn't get mixed in the the pebbles when we move it all. I have lots of flagstones out there, I think we'll just reposition them and use what we have. Richard is my handyman's name, and he will also fix the posts holding the electric outlet for the fountain and remove the dead wisteria and rebuild the pergola so that I can place a bench in there. I have my two red metal chairs that are all weathered up, they will have a home out there somewhere. Vicki said she would help with the redesign but I think I have it under control. I have access to lots of water out there, I could have pots of things on a drip system in summer. That big tree will continue to make a mess of things out there but I'll just get over it and keep it a clear as possible. I hope that it won't take more that $1000 to do the whole thing because I want Richard to help me build a carport this fall. I'll have to save up for it. I don't want that to cost more than $2000. Then I'll have all winter to save up again for a new car or whatever next spring. My car will last me for a few more years now that the fuel pump is good again. If I want to go on a trip, I can rent a car from Enterprise. I'll bet that would be cheaper than a new car payment!
OK, all the rambling is over, that's my plan for my house. When I get it all done, I'll have an appraisal to see if I can get out of the PMI and begin putting the $112 a month toward the mortgage and get this baby paid off sooner. Or a least build equity. James and Bryce might go to Australia for two years and if I want to go with them, I'll need $100,000 to get into the country. Or we might all move to Mexico, in which case, James and I are going to start taking Spanish classes. It's a good idea whatever we end up doing. I could find a little coastal town on the west side of the country and buy a little condo and live out my life as an expat. I'll get rid of all this stuff and just go. As I watch the ocean waves on the TV screen, that sounds like an ideal thing to do!
I just remembered that there are small motel places at the Oregon Coast that rent by the week that I could afford. They all include weekly maid service and all utilities and furniture for about $250 a week. That about what I pay now or maybe even less. How fun that would be to go for a trip and check it all out --- maybe this fall. That's four months from now. I'll be out of my studio by then and hopefully the weak floor in the back bedroom will be fixed by then, too.
Cooled of considerably overnight, just as promised. In fact, it's too chilly to sit on the deck and write so I'm back in the house in my favorite chair, got the Baja ocean sounds on the TV via YouTube and all the windows are open to let in the fresh air. It's a crystal clear glorious day out there today, almost miraculous compared to the last week, and I'm very glad to going to the zoo today. I'll bet the animals are all really happy with this delicious coolness! Should be a good day at the zoo.
I was thinking about Ray and Yvonne this morning, how they have included me in their lives since Gerald has been gone. Then I think of all the people I know in Boise and around the country, around the world, and I realized just today that I don't really like anyone. I used to like people. I used to have things to talk about with people when I met them. Not any more. I feel cut out of life, or at least the life I used to have --- there's a Randy-shaped hole where I used to be and the real me is now over here. Alone. I feel pasted on the scenery like a paper doll and just as useless and flat. You can just call me Flat Randy from now on, that's what I feel like. I wonder if I'll ever feel anything again like I used to. Excitement. Joy. Contentment. Sure, there are flashes of those occasionally but almost like an echo, not the real thing. I enjoyed the ziplining trip about as much as anything since Stephen died. Now today I'll put on my normal face and go to the zoo and I'm sure it will be OK.
It's so hard to define what I'm feeling, to put into words what my life feels like to me now. On a day like today with the perfect weather looming for the next few days, I could be excited and looking forward to summer fun somewhere. Stephen sure would be, an ideal day like today would have sent him into orbit! But he's not here to inspire me. Is he? He might be and I just can't tell.
Oh well. On a different note, the handyman came over to look at the deck yesterday and after careful examination, it looks like it needs to be torn down. It will be about $500 to remove it, maybe less if I help, which I will. Then well need to redesign that space. I think a flagstone patio with a fire pit would be nice. I have a few weeks to get out there and clean it all up before we start so that the tree crap doesn't get mixed in the the pebbles when we move it all. I have lots of flagstones out there, I think we'll just reposition them and use what we have. Richard is my handyman's name, and he will also fix the posts holding the electric outlet for the fountain and remove the dead wisteria and rebuild the pergola so that I can place a bench in there. I have my two red metal chairs that are all weathered up, they will have a home out there somewhere. Vicki said she would help with the redesign but I think I have it under control. I have access to lots of water out there, I could have pots of things on a drip system in summer. That big tree will continue to make a mess of things out there but I'll just get over it and keep it a clear as possible. I hope that it won't take more that $1000 to do the whole thing because I want Richard to help me build a carport this fall. I'll have to save up for it. I don't want that to cost more than $2000. Then I'll have all winter to save up again for a new car or whatever next spring. My car will last me for a few more years now that the fuel pump is good again. If I want to go on a trip, I can rent a car from Enterprise. I'll bet that would be cheaper than a new car payment!
OK, all the rambling is over, that's my plan for my house. When I get it all done, I'll have an appraisal to see if I can get out of the PMI and begin putting the $112 a month toward the mortgage and get this baby paid off sooner. Or a least build equity. James and Bryce might go to Australia for two years and if I want to go with them, I'll need $100,000 to get into the country. Or we might all move to Mexico, in which case, James and I are going to start taking Spanish classes. It's a good idea whatever we end up doing. I could find a little coastal town on the west side of the country and buy a little condo and live out my life as an expat. I'll get rid of all this stuff and just go. As I watch the ocean waves on the TV screen, that sounds like an ideal thing to do!
I just remembered that there are small motel places at the Oregon Coast that rent by the week that I could afford. They all include weekly maid service and all utilities and furniture for about $250 a week. That about what I pay now or maybe even less. How fun that would be to go for a trip and check it all out --- maybe this fall. That's four months from now. I'll be out of my studio by then and hopefully the weak floor in the back bedroom will be fixed by then, too.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
The Hazards of Acceptance
8:53am Writing Practice 73° Boise
Going to be another hot one today. But it should start cooling down overnight and get to the mid-80s tomorrow. Which is good because Ray and Yvonne are coming over to go to the zoo tomorrow and I said I'd meet them there for a while. They are going to arrive by 10:00 and end with feeding the giraffes at 1:00. I'll take my camera and make a day of it with them. They didn't see the penguins last time or the wallabies.
Also, Ray got frustrated that he couldn't see the animals on the last trip and asked his mother why his eyes are broken. That about broke my heart when Yvonne told me that. His eyes are broken for two reasons. 1) His father was a dead beat and didn't believe in paying for anything. 2) The hospital where Ray was born knew this and gave her the minimal care possible, knowing that they would not get paid for the services. Sad but true. In all fairness, Gerald had mental problems that went undiagnosed until much later in his life. Just to talk to him, you wouldn't have known, he appeared to be a low bottom alcohol abuser and drug addict. We didn't know back then that those were symptoms of mental illness. Many still don't know but it's becoming more widely accepted as truth. Poor Gerald. He lived most of his life under the wrong stigma.
Well, the research into sugar continues and I weighed myself this morning and found that I've lost almost 2½ lbs in a month. Yaaaay! I should be slim and trim in time for the reunion and back to my ideal weight by the end of the year. Now that I know more fully what's going on with sugar in the body, I don't see myself going back to the way things were before. This isn't a diet I'm on, it's how I eat now based on research and knowledge. Low carb/high protein has served me well all my adult life and I believe that consuming fat like I've done all along has actually protected me from the food choice mishaps that would befall me so often. Not that I plan to never eat another candy bar, but when I think of eating one, I immediately visualize what it would do to my internal systems and then I don't want one. Same with soda pops or juice. Anything that has too much sugar in it is sort of repulsive right now.
Why I'm in the mood to be good to my body is beyond me. I've spent the last 2½ years with thoughts of suicide and a desire to join Stephen wherever he is, along with my mother and my aunt and the rest of my family. I've missed them all so much since they've been gone, I feel shallow and empty without them. I went for a drive with Pam a week ago or so and found the perfect spot to run Sybil and me off the road and into a lake where we could sink and never be found. It's on the highway between Horseshoe Bend and Emmet on the Payette River where it becomes a reservoir in the Wild Rose Canyon. At least I think that's the name of the place. I'll double check. Funny thing is, now that I've found the perfect spot and could easily do it on some moonlit night, no big crash, no others involved, never to be found and seen as a dead body, taking my dear old car with me, I'm satisfied. It's out there as a plan and I don't have to think about it anymore. I know it sounds a little crazy, but ever since I found that spot and visualized doing that, I've been happier and more productive. I'm feeling better than I ever have since Stephen died, more centered and content. I didn't notice that until today, just now. I've heard that others who were suicidal portrayed a calmness and a sense of peace a few weeks before their demise and now I feel it, too! I feels OK, like I know exactly what to do and now all I have to do is prepare to depart. And the preparations will last the rest of my life.
In other words, I now know that I'm not going anywhere. At least not like that. Not suicide. But I had to come through it in my own way. As I sit here on my deck with Rocky, smelling the summer high-desert air, thinking about all I still have to do today and with my life, what's left of it, I think I'll be OK now. In the past, when I've come to acceptance about something of someone, the situations have resolved in the most unlikely ways.
For instance, I resolved to stop fighting the energy of the diner and Phil and then a few weeks later, I got fired and was free to take the job at St Luke's. When I stopped fighting my income situation, I was able to lower my mortgage interest which lowered my payment by $300 and then I was able to file bankruptcy and start over from scratch with a life I could afford to live. It's been four years and I'm still doing fine with it. Then I decided to keep the spruce tree in the front yard, the funky thing that was not right for this cottage, I was going to plant other trees around it and hide it in the grove. then suddenly, Rio cut it down on Memorial Day while I was at work after I hadn't heard from him in months. I thought he was never going to get to it and I had just worked myself into a state of acceptance and them BAM! I drove down the hill and around the corner and the tree was gone!
And then there's my mother. I fought her tooth and nail for years trying to get her to get up off her ass and live her life. I yelled at her, I belittled her, I was sarcastic with her --- I was relentless! And then suddenly, as I was complaining about her to a guy at work, I stopped myself and said, "I need to find a way to get over this anger and forgive her, this is not good." And just like that, I turned a corner and took a whole new tact. She was dead within six weeks. I released her energetically and accepted her just as she was and that's all she needed to move on.
All of those events happened within five months of each other. In a way, the same thing happened with Stephen the following year. When he came up with his big problems with drugs again on July 21, 2013, I decided to help and coach but allow him to save himself this time. The situation degraded daily with only a few peaks right up until a few days before he died, when I realized that I had made a grave error and could lose him. But it was too late. I had based my actions on the premise that, if you keep doing things just as you've done them but expect a different result, you are insane. So I decided to try something different. I had decided not to rescue him this time. Although in times past, I had not really gone to rescue him, he had turned up at my door and I rescued him. Going to get him would have been different but at the same time, it would have been the same. He and I both were tired of the old routine and we both wanted to break out of that dynamic. Had I known that he would end up breaking out the way he did, I would have done things differently. And yet the same.
I can write about this now without crying, I must be getting better. I wonder if there will come a time that I can go back over the pages I've already written and really tell this story? I hope so.
In the meantime, I'll continue my research into sugar addiction and how to write memoir and plan to enjoy my busy summer. Because it's sure shaping up to be busy. I'm looking forward to the cooler weather in the next few days! That is for sure.
Going to be another hot one today. But it should start cooling down overnight and get to the mid-80s tomorrow. Which is good because Ray and Yvonne are coming over to go to the zoo tomorrow and I said I'd meet them there for a while. They are going to arrive by 10:00 and end with feeding the giraffes at 1:00. I'll take my camera and make a day of it with them. They didn't see the penguins last time or the wallabies.
Also, Ray got frustrated that he couldn't see the animals on the last trip and asked his mother why his eyes are broken. That about broke my heart when Yvonne told me that. His eyes are broken for two reasons. 1) His father was a dead beat and didn't believe in paying for anything. 2) The hospital where Ray was born knew this and gave her the minimal care possible, knowing that they would not get paid for the services. Sad but true. In all fairness, Gerald had mental problems that went undiagnosed until much later in his life. Just to talk to him, you wouldn't have known, he appeared to be a low bottom alcohol abuser and drug addict. We didn't know back then that those were symptoms of mental illness. Many still don't know but it's becoming more widely accepted as truth. Poor Gerald. He lived most of his life under the wrong stigma.
Well, the research into sugar continues and I weighed myself this morning and found that I've lost almost 2½ lbs in a month. Yaaaay! I should be slim and trim in time for the reunion and back to my ideal weight by the end of the year. Now that I know more fully what's going on with sugar in the body, I don't see myself going back to the way things were before. This isn't a diet I'm on, it's how I eat now based on research and knowledge. Low carb/high protein has served me well all my adult life and I believe that consuming fat like I've done all along has actually protected me from the food choice mishaps that would befall me so often. Not that I plan to never eat another candy bar, but when I think of eating one, I immediately visualize what it would do to my internal systems and then I don't want one. Same with soda pops or juice. Anything that has too much sugar in it is sort of repulsive right now.
Why I'm in the mood to be good to my body is beyond me. I've spent the last 2½ years with thoughts of suicide and a desire to join Stephen wherever he is, along with my mother and my aunt and the rest of my family. I've missed them all so much since they've been gone, I feel shallow and empty without them. I went for a drive with Pam a week ago or so and found the perfect spot to run Sybil and me off the road and into a lake where we could sink and never be found. It's on the highway between Horseshoe Bend and Emmet on the Payette River where it becomes a reservoir in the Wild Rose Canyon. At least I think that's the name of the place. I'll double check. Funny thing is, now that I've found the perfect spot and could easily do it on some moonlit night, no big crash, no others involved, never to be found and seen as a dead body, taking my dear old car with me, I'm satisfied. It's out there as a plan and I don't have to think about it anymore. I know it sounds a little crazy, but ever since I found that spot and visualized doing that, I've been happier and more productive. I'm feeling better than I ever have since Stephen died, more centered and content. I didn't notice that until today, just now. I've heard that others who were suicidal portrayed a calmness and a sense of peace a few weeks before their demise and now I feel it, too! I feels OK, like I know exactly what to do and now all I have to do is prepare to depart. And the preparations will last the rest of my life.
In other words, I now know that I'm not going anywhere. At least not like that. Not suicide. But I had to come through it in my own way. As I sit here on my deck with Rocky, smelling the summer high-desert air, thinking about all I still have to do today and with my life, what's left of it, I think I'll be OK now. In the past, when I've come to acceptance about something of someone, the situations have resolved in the most unlikely ways.
For instance, I resolved to stop fighting the energy of the diner and Phil and then a few weeks later, I got fired and was free to take the job at St Luke's. When I stopped fighting my income situation, I was able to lower my mortgage interest which lowered my payment by $300 and then I was able to file bankruptcy and start over from scratch with a life I could afford to live. It's been four years and I'm still doing fine with it. Then I decided to keep the spruce tree in the front yard, the funky thing that was not right for this cottage, I was going to plant other trees around it and hide it in the grove. then suddenly, Rio cut it down on Memorial Day while I was at work after I hadn't heard from him in months. I thought he was never going to get to it and I had just worked myself into a state of acceptance and them BAM! I drove down the hill and around the corner and the tree was gone!
And then there's my mother. I fought her tooth and nail for years trying to get her to get up off her ass and live her life. I yelled at her, I belittled her, I was sarcastic with her --- I was relentless! And then suddenly, as I was complaining about her to a guy at work, I stopped myself and said, "I need to find a way to get over this anger and forgive her, this is not good." And just like that, I turned a corner and took a whole new tact. She was dead within six weeks. I released her energetically and accepted her just as she was and that's all she needed to move on.
All of those events happened within five months of each other. In a way, the same thing happened with Stephen the following year. When he came up with his big problems with drugs again on July 21, 2013, I decided to help and coach but allow him to save himself this time. The situation degraded daily with only a few peaks right up until a few days before he died, when I realized that I had made a grave error and could lose him. But it was too late. I had based my actions on the premise that, if you keep doing things just as you've done them but expect a different result, you are insane. So I decided to try something different. I had decided not to rescue him this time. Although in times past, I had not really gone to rescue him, he had turned up at my door and I rescued him. Going to get him would have been different but at the same time, it would have been the same. He and I both were tired of the old routine and we both wanted to break out of that dynamic. Had I known that he would end up breaking out the way he did, I would have done things differently. And yet the same.
I can write about this now without crying, I must be getting better. I wonder if there will come a time that I can go back over the pages I've already written and really tell this story? I hope so.
In the meantime, I'll continue my research into sugar addiction and how to write memoir and plan to enjoy my busy summer. Because it's sure shaping up to be busy. I'm looking forward to the cooler weather in the next few days! That is for sure.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
My Sweet Story
8:53 Writing Practice on the deck 71° Boise
I hooked up to an extension cord and I'm on the deck this beautiful morning. I had trouble getting to sleep last night but finally made it, then woke up at 7:45 pretty ready to rise after I did my neck stretches and breathing. It was so hot yesterday but I got into the shed and set up the deck furniture and went through some stuff. I have the car loaded with items to donate at the Youth Ranch. I've kept that stuff in the shed for four years, it's time to set it all free. I'm obviously not going to have a yard sale anytime soon. Although, when I move my studio home again I'll need to release some stuff back into circulation but I'll figure it out then, when the time comes. I also got out boxes and looked through some of Stephen's things. There are only three boxes left of his entire life and I'll keep them for the rest of my life. I have one box of Granny's stuff and two boxes of Gerald's stuff. Then I have at least a box of two of my mother's things but no paperwork. She wasn't a writer. I have some of her collectibles and other old things. At 2pm yesterday, I was so hot and sweaty, I grabbed Rocky and went inside for the afternoon, leaving all the stuff out and scattered around. I had a long nap and then my dinner before coming back out to finish up out here. And when I finished, I put the cats in the house and took off on a quick bike ride around the neighborhood, talked to a few people, made some new friends and then came home to hop in a cool bath to get all washed up and fresh. It was bliss. All in all, a pretty good day!
In my studies on sugar, I've found out a lot about diabetes. Diabetes has become an epidemic around the world and there's literally billions upon billions of dollars being spent on research and maintenance. I don't think my mother was diabetic or even prediabetic, even after all of her years of horrible eating. There might be a genetic component in some people that causes it, with others it's diet and lack of exercise. Some of the research suggests a high fat diet to be the #1 cause and I have to find out more about that. The #2 and #3 causes are high carb and no exercise, respectively.
I've been trying to remember the foods and diets we went on over the years because there were many. Mom and I were born with the body types that bulk up easily. Seems to me we just cut out desserts and breads and ate everything else we wanted. There was never any focus on dietary fat. We ate real butter when it was available, homemade breads, home canned veggies and then foods made at home with our own fresh ingredients. There were canned items, soups and sauces, but never anything fancy. Plus that was before processed foods were so available and so full of non-food junk. The only processed foods we ate were Kraft macaroni and cheese, lunch meats and fish sticks, the likes of which are not available today --- haven't been for a very long time. We had simple tastes, most everything we ate was ordinary food from the store. But that was 30-50 years ago and food from the store was different then.
I remember being a little sugar addict early on. At age five, my mother married my step-father, Richard VanRoekel, and I lived with them alone for a while before they brought Gerald in. During that time alone with them, I was very happy, probably the happiest time of my childhood. Being an only child suited me just fine. I was spoiled a pampered during that time and allowed to eat candy and sweets like never before. Because of that, I had many cavities in my teeth and still have two fillings from those early years of candy and tooth decay. The rest have been replaced by crowns over the years.
I got my first jobs early, always willing to do chores for an allowance or help others for a payment. I could go into detail about these odd jobs I did beginning as early as eight years old but the main point here is, my motivation for doing the work and getting the money was so that I could buy sweet. By and large, sweets were my main focus in life. I would go to the little market and buy a Pepsi, some candy bars and a few comic books and take them home to my room and binge for hours. In all fairness, I didn't do that often but it was certainly my guilty pleasure in my youth.
Thinking about my sweet tooth, I wonder how I managed to stay so thin throughout most of my life? I didn't do radical diets. Not that I didn't try to do them, I just could never make them work for me. The only diet that ever worked was the low carb/high protein diet and I took to it like duck water. The main rules were 1) No counting calories. You can count carbs or calories, not both. 2) Don't worry about dietary fat from the high protein foods being eaten. Fat has calories but no carbs, so don't worry about them. At some point in the 1970s, the world went fat crazy and everyone was going low fat everything, but because of my low carb practice, I didn't pay any attention to that fad. Turns out that that was a good thing and maybe even the one factor that has lead to my life-long good health and ability to maintain a reasonable weight throughout my life in all its stages. Somehow I knew that the sugars were bad for me but the rest of my diet was actually saving me from most of that damage. At this point in my research, that is a speculation and theory. I hope to make a case with my theory and share it with others.
In the meantime, my mother stopped eating real food at some point in her unhappy life but it took her many years to actually die from it. I would guess 10-12 years. And she never developed diabetes. But she did damage her heart and that combined with poor lung function and lack of any exercise at all is what did her in, in the end. When I cooked for her (and she always ate what I cooked even though she claimed not to want it), she always responded well to the meals I prepared. In only a few weeks of eating better, mostly low carb/high protein, she would perk up and feel better, become more normal in her thinking patterns, more reasonable and less contrary. But this didn't happen until after my dad died in 2009. Mom came to stay with me for two months, her and Rocky, and it was hard but good for both of us.
I hooked up to an extension cord and I'm on the deck this beautiful morning. I had trouble getting to sleep last night but finally made it, then woke up at 7:45 pretty ready to rise after I did my neck stretches and breathing. It was so hot yesterday but I got into the shed and set up the deck furniture and went through some stuff. I have the car loaded with items to donate at the Youth Ranch. I've kept that stuff in the shed for four years, it's time to set it all free. I'm obviously not going to have a yard sale anytime soon. Although, when I move my studio home again I'll need to release some stuff back into circulation but I'll figure it out then, when the time comes. I also got out boxes and looked through some of Stephen's things. There are only three boxes left of his entire life and I'll keep them for the rest of my life. I have one box of Granny's stuff and two boxes of Gerald's stuff. Then I have at least a box of two of my mother's things but no paperwork. She wasn't a writer. I have some of her collectibles and other old things. At 2pm yesterday, I was so hot and sweaty, I grabbed Rocky and went inside for the afternoon, leaving all the stuff out and scattered around. I had a long nap and then my dinner before coming back out to finish up out here. And when I finished, I put the cats in the house and took off on a quick bike ride around the neighborhood, talked to a few people, made some new friends and then came home to hop in a cool bath to get all washed up and fresh. It was bliss. All in all, a pretty good day!
In my studies on sugar, I've found out a lot about diabetes. Diabetes has become an epidemic around the world and there's literally billions upon billions of dollars being spent on research and maintenance. I don't think my mother was diabetic or even prediabetic, even after all of her years of horrible eating. There might be a genetic component in some people that causes it, with others it's diet and lack of exercise. Some of the research suggests a high fat diet to be the #1 cause and I have to find out more about that. The #2 and #3 causes are high carb and no exercise, respectively.
I've been trying to remember the foods and diets we went on over the years because there were many. Mom and I were born with the body types that bulk up easily. Seems to me we just cut out desserts and breads and ate everything else we wanted. There was never any focus on dietary fat. We ate real butter when it was available, homemade breads, home canned veggies and then foods made at home with our own fresh ingredients. There were canned items, soups and sauces, but never anything fancy. Plus that was before processed foods were so available and so full of non-food junk. The only processed foods we ate were Kraft macaroni and cheese, lunch meats and fish sticks, the likes of which are not available today --- haven't been for a very long time. We had simple tastes, most everything we ate was ordinary food from the store. But that was 30-50 years ago and food from the store was different then.
I remember being a little sugar addict early on. At age five, my mother married my step-father, Richard VanRoekel, and I lived with them alone for a while before they brought Gerald in. During that time alone with them, I was very happy, probably the happiest time of my childhood. Being an only child suited me just fine. I was spoiled a pampered during that time and allowed to eat candy and sweets like never before. Because of that, I had many cavities in my teeth and still have two fillings from those early years of candy and tooth decay. The rest have been replaced by crowns over the years.
I got my first jobs early, always willing to do chores for an allowance or help others for a payment. I could go into detail about these odd jobs I did beginning as early as eight years old but the main point here is, my motivation for doing the work and getting the money was so that I could buy sweet. By and large, sweets were my main focus in life. I would go to the little market and buy a Pepsi, some candy bars and a few comic books and take them home to my room and binge for hours. In all fairness, I didn't do that often but it was certainly my guilty pleasure in my youth.
Thinking about my sweet tooth, I wonder how I managed to stay so thin throughout most of my life? I didn't do radical diets. Not that I didn't try to do them, I just could never make them work for me. The only diet that ever worked was the low carb/high protein diet and I took to it like duck water. The main rules were 1) No counting calories. You can count carbs or calories, not both. 2) Don't worry about dietary fat from the high protein foods being eaten. Fat has calories but no carbs, so don't worry about them. At some point in the 1970s, the world went fat crazy and everyone was going low fat everything, but because of my low carb practice, I didn't pay any attention to that fad. Turns out that that was a good thing and maybe even the one factor that has lead to my life-long good health and ability to maintain a reasonable weight throughout my life in all its stages. Somehow I knew that the sugars were bad for me but the rest of my diet was actually saving me from most of that damage. At this point in my research, that is a speculation and theory. I hope to make a case with my theory and share it with others.
In the meantime, my mother stopped eating real food at some point in her unhappy life but it took her many years to actually die from it. I would guess 10-12 years. And she never developed diabetes. But she did damage her heart and that combined with poor lung function and lack of any exercise at all is what did her in, in the end. When I cooked for her (and she always ate what I cooked even though she claimed not to want it), she always responded well to the meals I prepared. In only a few weeks of eating better, mostly low carb/high protein, she would perk up and feel better, become more normal in her thinking patterns, more reasonable and less contrary. But this didn't happen until after my dad died in 2009. Mom came to stay with me for two months, her and Rocky, and it was hard but good for both of us.
Monday, June 6, 2016
Stephen poems ---
A town of flakes that kiss and move on
(but never on time)
The gossips gossip their Golden grains ---
The wheat of BOREDOM. It grows & grows
and is never reaped and contrary to the norm ---
it doesn't grow skyward in a vertical manner
but sideways, small, to the ground
a web-like pattern, sprawling
_______________________________________________________________________
Be you always at your side
For this long and lonely ride
I'm dying a slow death called life
You can't get laid in this town
Without fucking your ex's ex
Or your ex's ex's ex
Reach inside and grab a hold of
SOMETHING to pull myself out
Nothing there
but any expired heart
crunchy lungs
and a little bit of fear
Even this romance is stunted
though nice and casual
Everything else feels like hell
I did it to myself
But at least I'm not a victim
Unless one can be a victim of their own
(but never on time)
The gossips gossip their Golden grains ---
The wheat of BOREDOM. It grows & grows
and is never reaped and contrary to the norm ---
it doesn't grow skyward in a vertical manner
but sideways, small, to the ground
a web-like pattern, sprawling
_______________________________________________________________________
Be you always at your side
For this long and lonely ride
I'm dying a slow death called life
You can't get laid in this town
Without fucking your ex's ex
Or your ex's ex's ex
Reach inside and grab a hold of
SOMETHING to pull myself out
Nothing there
but any expired heart
crunchy lungs
and a little bit of fear
Even this romance is stunted
though nice and casual
Everything else feels like hell
I did it to myself
But at least I'm not a victim
Unless one can be a victim of their own
Friday, June 3, 2016
Baja, Denial, 9 of Spades and Rocky
9:54am Writing Practice 66° Boise
It's a gorgeous morning out with a promise of heat later. But right now it's ideal and the air smells sweet. I got all the new plants in yesterday. It took 5 hours but I had a nice overcast all day and it never got too hot to work. I kept at it until it was done and then I crippled into the house to wash up and recover. I ate an early diner because I was starved after all that work and then laid down in my bed with a big magnet under my lower back and fell asleep for an hour. When I woke up it was after 7pm but I was much improved so I got dressed and ran some errands. This morning I feel fine. I can tell that I was active yesterday and I'm hungry again but I think I'll recover just fine. I'll go to the gym this afternoon and then I have a birthday party dinner to attend at Sockeye this evening.
I need someone to follow me to Eagle to take Mark's car back to him. Maybe I'll ask Stephanie or maybe Pam will do it. And I need to get my car washed and cleaned up. I was wanting to get a mini detail for it but that's almost $60 and I just don't want to spend the money right now.
I've taken to watching ocean videos on YouTube with only the sounds of the waves, no music. The one I picked for this morning looks like the beach at Baja --- Dark ocean and miles of straight beach in either direction. It's almost but not quite desolate. There are no trees, no curves, no rocks, nothing in sight but waves and sand. It's that same course, tan sand that I spent so many hours writing in and then taking pictures. I had a blast doing that! I would go back down there but a curious thing happened to me there --- my mind went blank. I tried to write a few times and nothing came, not one complete sentence. I read two books and I took pictures, talked to Vicki and relaxed, enjoying the vacuum in my head.
That was January 2013. A few weeks before, at the end of December, I got a call from Mike Justice saying that Stephen was in trouble, he was using meth again. He was all panicked and concerned but the only thing I could think of was Noooooo! I'd bought the airline ticket to Baja in October and I just didn't have time or money to deal with a side trip with Stephen. Plus, I spoke to Stephen after that and he assured me that Mike was overreacting and that he was fine. Then Vicki gave me a card reading while I was down there and the 9 of spades showed up in 3 places, no doubt some losses and probably deaths were coming. Multiple. My brother Mark had a cancer diagnosis and Gerald wasn't in great shape either. The idea of losing Stephen never came to mind. It was simply unthinkable, and yet, he's the one who died that year. Gerald had an attempt in February, a month after my reading, and I ended up having to move him to Boise in April, but he lived until January 2015 and of course, Mark is still alive.
Denial played a huge role in Stephen's death. I've thought about this before but I've not written about it (I don't think). After all we went through, the years of worry and the weight of his addictions and unhappiness weighing on me, I couldn't go there when it reared up again. I just could not face it. In a way, I participated in Stephen's death and I have been avoiding thinking about that all this time. But the guilt is there all the same, whether I think about it or not.
Vicki did my birthday reading last week and I still have a 9 of spades to deal with this year and that leaves Rocky, my last loved pet, vulnerable. He likes to go across the street and check out the chickens in Martha's back yard. I've gotten after him about it time and time again, imploring him to stay in our yard. Well, this morning I looked out the front windows just in time to see him dash across the street (coming home) just inches from getting hit by a car rounding the corner. His ears were back, he knew he just made it and I wonder how many times that's happened to him, how many lives has he used up barely escaping the tires of an oncoming car? What I remind myself is, I have yet to see an accident on this street. No kids, no pets get hit, no cars collide. I have to take comfort in that. I've never seen a dead cat on the roads in this town. I have, however, seen plenty of dead squirrels. So I have to trust that Rocky is smarter than a squirrel.
After I saw that almost happen to Rocky this morning, I thought about what I would do with his little dead body. I have an unplanted spot in the bed in front of my bedroom window. I think I'll plant some sunflower seeds there this weekend and make that the highlight. But I could easily use it to bury Rocky. And then I thought about paying to have him cremated. That's about $75 or so. I can't stand the thought of his body decomposing and moldering around under ground. I've never been a fan of that type of burial. So cremation it is. Then I can keep him with the rest of us, in my family ashes collection. Yes, that will do. I'm glad I have that sorted out.
OK, that's it for me, I must go eat and then shower. So far, so good today.
It's a gorgeous morning out with a promise of heat later. But right now it's ideal and the air smells sweet. I got all the new plants in yesterday. It took 5 hours but I had a nice overcast all day and it never got too hot to work. I kept at it until it was done and then I crippled into the house to wash up and recover. I ate an early diner because I was starved after all that work and then laid down in my bed with a big magnet under my lower back and fell asleep for an hour. When I woke up it was after 7pm but I was much improved so I got dressed and ran some errands. This morning I feel fine. I can tell that I was active yesterday and I'm hungry again but I think I'll recover just fine. I'll go to the gym this afternoon and then I have a birthday party dinner to attend at Sockeye this evening.
I need someone to follow me to Eagle to take Mark's car back to him. Maybe I'll ask Stephanie or maybe Pam will do it. And I need to get my car washed and cleaned up. I was wanting to get a mini detail for it but that's almost $60 and I just don't want to spend the money right now.
I've taken to watching ocean videos on YouTube with only the sounds of the waves, no music. The one I picked for this morning looks like the beach at Baja --- Dark ocean and miles of straight beach in either direction. It's almost but not quite desolate. There are no trees, no curves, no rocks, nothing in sight but waves and sand. It's that same course, tan sand that I spent so many hours writing in and then taking pictures. I had a blast doing that! I would go back down there but a curious thing happened to me there --- my mind went blank. I tried to write a few times and nothing came, not one complete sentence. I read two books and I took pictures, talked to Vicki and relaxed, enjoying the vacuum in my head.
That was January 2013. A few weeks before, at the end of December, I got a call from Mike Justice saying that Stephen was in trouble, he was using meth again. He was all panicked and concerned but the only thing I could think of was Noooooo! I'd bought the airline ticket to Baja in October and I just didn't have time or money to deal with a side trip with Stephen. Plus, I spoke to Stephen after that and he assured me that Mike was overreacting and that he was fine. Then Vicki gave me a card reading while I was down there and the 9 of spades showed up in 3 places, no doubt some losses and probably deaths were coming. Multiple. My brother Mark had a cancer diagnosis and Gerald wasn't in great shape either. The idea of losing Stephen never came to mind. It was simply unthinkable, and yet, he's the one who died that year. Gerald had an attempt in February, a month after my reading, and I ended up having to move him to Boise in April, but he lived until January 2015 and of course, Mark is still alive.
Denial played a huge role in Stephen's death. I've thought about this before but I've not written about it (I don't think). After all we went through, the years of worry and the weight of his addictions and unhappiness weighing on me, I couldn't go there when it reared up again. I just could not face it. In a way, I participated in Stephen's death and I have been avoiding thinking about that all this time. But the guilt is there all the same, whether I think about it or not.
Vicki did my birthday reading last week and I still have a 9 of spades to deal with this year and that leaves Rocky, my last loved pet, vulnerable. He likes to go across the street and check out the chickens in Martha's back yard. I've gotten after him about it time and time again, imploring him to stay in our yard. Well, this morning I looked out the front windows just in time to see him dash across the street (coming home) just inches from getting hit by a car rounding the corner. His ears were back, he knew he just made it and I wonder how many times that's happened to him, how many lives has he used up barely escaping the tires of an oncoming car? What I remind myself is, I have yet to see an accident on this street. No kids, no pets get hit, no cars collide. I have to take comfort in that. I've never seen a dead cat on the roads in this town. I have, however, seen plenty of dead squirrels. So I have to trust that Rocky is smarter than a squirrel.
After I saw that almost happen to Rocky this morning, I thought about what I would do with his little dead body. I have an unplanted spot in the bed in front of my bedroom window. I think I'll plant some sunflower seeds there this weekend and make that the highlight. But I could easily use it to bury Rocky. And then I thought about paying to have him cremated. That's about $75 or so. I can't stand the thought of his body decomposing and moldering around under ground. I've never been a fan of that type of burial. So cremation it is. Then I can keep him with the rest of us, in my family ashes collection. Yes, that will do. I'm glad I have that sorted out.
OK, that's it for me, I must go eat and then shower. So far, so good today.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Sugar Research
9:07am Writing Practice 64° Boise
No writing at all for the last two days. No reason, really, I just didn't do it. I've been focused on my yard; every evening after dinner I've been going out there to weed. I tackled the big, bad, overgrown side last Friday and in two hours I had it 1/3 done and I was wiped out. I didn't try it again until Monday because my legs were so sore, I could hardly walk. After three more sessions, that bed is clear and I've got some of the plants separated and replanted in new spots. I have four beds to plant today with the $180 worth of plants I bought yesterday. Right now it's nice and cool out and it's overcast. I hope the cloud cover keeps the temps down until I can get these plants in the ground and get this all taken care of. I may even buy bark this year --- that would help keep the moisture in the dirt and also might keep the weeds down as well. I have to run to Home Depot to get another head for my drip system before I can turn on my sprinkler system again. The head was buried under all those plants and one spigot was open. I hate losing water like that. When it's all done, I'll have a reason to be proud this year. I will have done it all on my own! I've been single 14 years and in this house for 8½ yrs and this is the first time I've really gotten in and done my own work in the front yard.
As for everything else, not much news. I'll go to the gym today to meet James. He and Bryce went to Mexico last week and so I did yard work instead of the gym. I'm still studying memoir writing but not practicing the writing much yet. My topic of sugar is a great one and the story of my mother is interesting, I think.
As far as I can tell, no one really wants to engage in the sugar issue. I mean really, who wants to think that the things we love so much, the cakes and cookies we make for treats for each other, the candies we adore and savor, are all killing us? No, the sugar issue is not popular but I truly believe it's at the core of our national health crisis. I've pondered this all the years I worked at St Luke's, wanted to know what was melting people from the inside out, what was causing gall bladders to blow in so many people, what was causing the tremendous poundage that seems to afflict everyone. I myself didn't want the answer to be sugar . I love my sweets and breads and carbs.
In my research, the diet information in the 1970s turned against fat as the culprit in the issue of weight gain and so low fat diets became the rage. Pre-packaged foods were developed to be be low fat and in order to make them palatable, sugar was added to everything. At the time, no one knew the addictive nature of sugar, that when the sugar was added to the nation's food supply, it was akin to adding heroine to the nation's food supply. I need to watch Sugar Coated again and take notes this time. I'll need the quotes and the research from there to begin. But what I've found as I relate all this information to my own lifetime consumption choices is this: I never went in for the low fat diets. I was a big fan of low carb diets from early on. I always got fast results in weight loss and I always felt good while eating that way. Low carb requires the eating of real food, no packaged foods, so I never got hooked on that type of eating. The results have been that I've never been more than 20 pounds overweight in my entire life except for the year after I left John when I ballooned up to almost 150 pounds. But the trusty low carb diet saved me from that and in less than two months, I was back on track again and tip out at about 8 pounds overweight at this time.
Based on all this new information, I have given up all sodas, milk, juices, candy and I've cut back on the amount of gum I chew. The gum is my cigarette substitute so that one is hard to control but the chemicals in it cause gas and diarrhea and I had a bout of that for a few weeks, not knowing it was caused by the gum. Now that I've cut that consumption in half, I'm feeling a lot better. It would be nice to cut out the gum all together, I'm sure it's not good for me, but I'm not ready for that yet.
So this is what I've been doing --- studying up on sugar, doing my research, and then digging around in the flower beds out front. Also, I've been on Facebook but not as much. I've really cut down on that as well. I got a new smart phone and I could do FB that way like everyone else, but I don't want to be doing that in public, always looking down at my phone and not noticing the world around me.
No writing at all for the last two days. No reason, really, I just didn't do it. I've been focused on my yard; every evening after dinner I've been going out there to weed. I tackled the big, bad, overgrown side last Friday and in two hours I had it 1/3 done and I was wiped out. I didn't try it again until Monday because my legs were so sore, I could hardly walk. After three more sessions, that bed is clear and I've got some of the plants separated and replanted in new spots. I have four beds to plant today with the $180 worth of plants I bought yesterday. Right now it's nice and cool out and it's overcast. I hope the cloud cover keeps the temps down until I can get these plants in the ground and get this all taken care of. I may even buy bark this year --- that would help keep the moisture in the dirt and also might keep the weeds down as well. I have to run to Home Depot to get another head for my drip system before I can turn on my sprinkler system again. The head was buried under all those plants and one spigot was open. I hate losing water like that. When it's all done, I'll have a reason to be proud this year. I will have done it all on my own! I've been single 14 years and in this house for 8½ yrs and this is the first time I've really gotten in and done my own work in the front yard.
As for everything else, not much news. I'll go to the gym today to meet James. He and Bryce went to Mexico last week and so I did yard work instead of the gym. I'm still studying memoir writing but not practicing the writing much yet. My topic of sugar is a great one and the story of my mother is interesting, I think.
As far as I can tell, no one really wants to engage in the sugar issue. I mean really, who wants to think that the things we love so much, the cakes and cookies we make for treats for each other, the candies we adore and savor, are all killing us? No, the sugar issue is not popular but I truly believe it's at the core of our national health crisis. I've pondered this all the years I worked at St Luke's, wanted to know what was melting people from the inside out, what was causing gall bladders to blow in so many people, what was causing the tremendous poundage that seems to afflict everyone. I myself didn't want the answer to be sugar
In my research, the diet information in the 1970s turned against fat as the culprit in the issue of weight gain and so low fat diets became the rage. Pre-packaged foods were developed to be be low fat and in order to make them palatable, sugar was added to everything. At the time, no one knew the addictive nature of sugar, that when the sugar was added to the nation's food supply, it was akin to adding heroine to the nation's food supply. I need to watch Sugar Coated again and take notes this time. I'll need the quotes and the research from there to begin. But what I've found as I relate all this information to my own lifetime consumption choices is this: I never went in for the low fat diets. I was a big fan of low carb diets from early on. I always got fast results in weight loss and I always felt good while eating that way. Low carb requires the eating of real food, no packaged foods, so I never got hooked on that type of eating. The results have been that I've never been more than 20 pounds overweight in my entire life except for the year after I left John when I ballooned up to almost 150 pounds. But the trusty low carb diet saved me from that and in less than two months, I was back on track again and tip out at about 8 pounds overweight at this time.
Based on all this new information, I have given up all sodas, milk, juices, candy and I've cut back on the amount of gum I chew. The gum is my cigarette substitute so that one is hard to control but the chemicals in it cause gas and diarrhea and I had a bout of that for a few weeks, not knowing it was caused by the gum. Now that I've cut that consumption in half, I'm feeling a lot better. It would be nice to cut out the gum all together, I'm sure it's not good for me, but I'm not ready for that yet.
So this is what I've been doing --- studying up on sugar, doing my research, and then digging around in the flower beds out front. Also, I've been on Facebook but not as much. I've really cut down on that as well. I got a new smart phone and I could do FB that way like everyone else, but I don't want to be doing that in public, always looking down at my phone and not noticing the world around me.
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