Thursday

8:56am                        Writing Practice                       63°  Boise

Cooled of considerably overnight, just as promised. In fact, it's too chilly to sit on the deck and write so I'm back in the house in my favorite chair, got the Baja ocean sounds on the TV via YouTube and all the windows are open to let in the fresh air. It's a crystal clear glorious day out there today, almost miraculous compared to the last week, and I'm very glad to going to the zoo today. I'll bet the animals are all really happy with this delicious coolness! Should be a good day at the zoo.

I was thinking about Ray and Yvonne this morning, how they have included me in their lives since Gerald has been gone. Then I think of all the people I know in Boise and around the country, around the world, and I realized just today that I don't really like anyone. I used to like people. I used to have things to talk about with people when I met them. Not any more. I feel cut out of life, or at least the life I used to have --- there's a Randy-shaped hole where I used to be and the real me is now over here. Alone. I feel pasted on the scenery like a paper doll and just as useless and flat. You can just call me Flat Randy from now on, that's what I feel like. I wonder if I'll ever feel anything again like I used to. Excitement. Joy. Contentment. Sure, there are flashes of those occasionally but almost like an echo, not the real thing. I enjoyed the ziplining trip about as much as anything since Stephen died. Now today I'll put on my normal face and go to the zoo and I'm sure it will be OK.

It's so hard to define what I'm feeling, to put into words what my life feels like to me now. On a day like today with the perfect weather looming for the next few days, I could be excited and looking forward to summer fun somewhere. Stephen sure would be, an ideal day like today would have sent him into orbit! But he's not here to inspire me. Is he? He might be and I just can't tell.

Oh well. On a different note, the handyman came over to look at the deck yesterday and after careful examination, it looks like it needs to be torn down. It will be about $500 to remove it, maybe less if I help, which I will. Then well need to redesign that space. I think a flagstone patio with a fire pit would be nice. I have a few weeks to get out there and clean it all up before we start so that the tree crap doesn't get mixed in the the pebbles when we move it all. I have lots of flagstones out there, I think we'll just reposition them and use what we have. Richard is my handyman's name, and he will also fix the posts holding the electric outlet for the fountain and remove the dead wisteria and rebuild the pergola so that I can place a bench in there. I have my two red metal chairs that are all weathered up, they will have a home out there somewhere. Vicki said she would help with the redesign but I think I have it under control. I have access to lots of water out there, I could have pots of things on a drip system in summer. That big tree will continue to make a mess of things out there but I'll just get over it and keep it a clear as possible. I hope that it won't take more that $1000 to do the whole thing because I want Richard to help me build a carport this fall. I'll have to save up for it. I don't want that to cost more than $2000. Then I'll have all winter to save up again for a new car or whatever next spring. My car will last me for a few more years now that the fuel pump is good again. If I want to go on a trip, I can rent a car from Enterprise. I'll bet that would be cheaper than a new car payment!

OK, all the rambling is over, that's my plan for my house. When I get it all done, I'll have an appraisal to see if I can get out of the PMI and begin putting the $112 a month toward the mortgage and get this baby paid off sooner. Or a least build equity. James and Bryce might go to Australia for two years and if I want to go with them, I'll need $100,000 to get into the country. Or we might all move to Mexico, in which case, James and I are going to start taking Spanish classes. It's a good idea whatever we end up doing. I could find a little coastal town on the west side of the country and buy a little condo and live out my life as an expat. I'll get rid of all this stuff and just go. As I watch the ocean waves on the TV screen, that sounds like an ideal thing to do!

I just remembered that there are small motel places at the Oregon Coast that rent by the week that I could afford. They all include weekly maid service and all utilities and furniture for about $250 a week. That about what I pay now or maybe even less. How fun that would be to go for a trip and check it all out --- maybe this fall. That's four months from now. I'll be out of my studio by then and hopefully the weak floor in the back bedroom will be fixed by then, too.