It's been weeks since I wrote in this blog journal. I've been hand-writing in the spiral instead. I moved the laptop to my room while cleaning for my party on Aug 28th and tried to use it from there, but it's just too uncomfortable! It gave me terrible headaches and hurt my back. So I'm back to the living room in my comfy chair. laptop on my lap table. And it's good, it feels good here.
That last time I posted, a Sunday where I had gotten up too early, I met James and Bryce for breakfast at Quinn's and drank real coffee and ended up telling Bryce he was in denial about an overdose/suicide attempt he had years ago and I've been in trouble ever since. From now on I must learn to stay at home and be by myself when I don't get enough sleep and for crying out loud, don't ever drink real coffee in public when tired like that! I seem to enter an altered reality zone and blurt shit out. I've alienated so many people in my life ... I woke up thinking of them this morning. Laura Thayer. Lynette Harris. Reggie Hunter. Lois in Quincy. RubyAnn. Maybe even Mark and Nathan. Am I really that awful? Not worthy of forgiveness? Or was I just talking to the wrong people, ones who have no business in my life and so they left. Hurts about Mark and Nathan, though.
However, I just remembered a rule of relationship: All I can do is take responsibility for what I say, I can't control how others respond. It's just that everyone is so touchy these days! Everyone wants to get offended and then hold a grudge. What's up with that? Are people really wanting to be that strong, that they can stand there and hold a grudge for a few misspoken sentences not said in anger or malice? A grudge can get mighty heavy in just a few years, it can actually stunt growth.
My mother was a famous grudge-holder. She held on to anger at Hub for her whole life and I just wonder if that trait contributed to her sad demise. There was no logic to it and no talking her out of it. I know. I tried. Is Bryce that same kind of grudge-holder? He very well could be, he had some of the same brainwashing with religion that my mother had. Righteousness can be used in so many ways. "The quality of being morally right or justifiable." My mothered loved the feeling of being righteous. It's the very next step to feeling superior --- most people like that feeling, too.
I've decided to write to Bryce and ask for a get-out-of-jail-free card for my willingness to help his friend Linday last year. And remind him that I really do love him, that he and James mean the world to me.
I've just finished breakfast and now have to get ready to run errands. I have grocery shopping to do. I've been down sick for over a week and supplies are getting low. Also, I need to begin to pack up my studio but for some reason I don't even want to go over there. I've only got a little over two weeks to get out of there or risk paying for another month's rent, which I don't want to do. I must get my act together and get on it! Motivation! Focus!
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