9:53am Writing Practice 58° Boise
Up and ready. It's a fine day out, no wind and brilliant sunshine, the promise of a perfect spring day and probably hot this afternoon. This would be an ideal day to go for a long hike, I can imagine Stephen saying. This is the kind of day that summer dreams are made of, and boy, didn't that kid love summer!
I have successfully stopped looking for a new car. Yay. Yesterday I spent the late afternoon at my studio getting Donna's photos uploaded to the folder she sent me. I hope never to hear of them again. I have two prints to send to her parents and I'll get them ready and mailed out today with a little note. After today I will be done with them all. I feel that the harm they all caused me is now healed, it's over and there's no need to continue with them. There is no new closeness to draw me in, no connection has been made .... there is nothing for me there and truth be known, there never was. She never did like me. There was no respect for me in our friendship, it was all me liking her and chasing her. I was used to living without respect all my life, I saw nothing wrong with it. Not so anymore. This photo session attitude has shown me that there is still no respect and there never will be.
So, at long last, Goodbye Donna Warden. I forgive you for leaving me behind all those years ago and for breaking my heart to the core. I see now that you didn't even know you did it, I didn't register on your radar at all, I was invisible to you. I'm ready to admit that you didn't care for me, not in any meaningful way. We were day and night to each other and we still are. Only now it's OK. I can move on knowing that I'll be fine without you, something I didn't know at all last time we broke up. You were my first true heartbreak and I will never forget you but now I can forgive you and let you go.
OK, moving on. I weighed myself this morning and it seems that I've put on 4 lbs in the past 6 months, almost a whole pound in just the past month. Horror! If I'm going to fit into my summer clothes, I have to do something about this starting today! I've already cut out sodas, milk, tortillas, and my dinners are much smaller. I have cookies at the studio, I just bought them yesterday. They need to go! And the chips, too. I need to slow down on the carbs and increase the protein. I laso need to increase my activity level. I need to get to the gym 2 or 3 times a week with or without James and then stretch at home more. I would like to lose 6 lbs by the reunion in July. As of today, that would put me at 136.6 and that would actually be ideal. Low carb will also give me a flat tummy and I like the sound of that. I hate this pudge! I can tap on that, it's a tappable issue.
I also need to continue on the process of forgiving myself for Stephen's death. Just typing that sentence made tears stir behind my eyes, I know that this is a huge issue for me. My chest has constricted, breathing has altered. Small changes in my body and I noticed them as soon as I typed that sentence. My manta has been, "While I prepare to forgive myself, I ask to be forgiven." By that I mean forgiven for the horrible things I did to Stephen when he was little. The attack on the stairs comes readily to mind. The yelling at him on the way to school, telling him what a fuck up he was. I didn't use those words and I only did it that once, but I sure do remember it. The time I came downstairs at 10am after he had been up for hours and seeing the cookbook open on the counter. He was watching TV and I asked what the cookbook as doing open on the counter and he came bouncing over and leaned into it, saying, "Doesn't that look good?" pointing to a picture that went with a recipe. I like to think I reached over and petted his head and said out loud, "My baby is hungry! Let's get you some food." I know I thought it but did he hear me say it, hear me feel guilty about neglecting my child? I swore to do better after that and I think I did for the most part. He was not 5 years old at the time and I don't know if that was before of after the tumble down the stairs.
I need to forgive myself if I'm going to find a way to tell our story. I can't continue to be plagued by guilt and shame and have a hope of getting anything meaningful written.Seems to me, if I can forgive Donna Warden, I can forgive myself. At least I know I loved him and I know how hard I worked at becoming a better mother. I worked on it for many years, many more years then I actually abused or neglected him. Because of Stephen, I changed my entire life around, I read books that tore me up with the truth of my actions and I wrote daily. I gave up alcohol and became sober, began to recover a sense of my real self so that I could share that with him. He was the reason I tried, he was the reason I did so much of what I did but I never told him that. Did I? Did I tell you how much you meant to me? How I would have laid down my life for you, Stephen? How if I couldn't have stopped you from jumping, I would have jumped too? Do you know that? And what a failure I feel like now, that after over 20 years of life-changing effort, I still ended up in this spot, alone, with my child dead. Who's the big fuck up now?
So now I need to lose weight and forgive myself for my part in Stephen's death. Funny. I wonder if those two are connected somehow? I'm creeping up on it. As I prepare to forgive myself, I ask to be forgiven. That mantra is paving the way for me to begin. I'll get there. Forgiveness is a practice, not an event. I know this. So I'm preparing to practice.
On another note, I was at the bank yesterday and I asked my loan guy about the proposed payment on a 15 yr loan refinance for my house. His initial numbers were stunning! I need to talk to a loan expert and see if he was close because he figured $400 a month for principle and interest and then about $100 for escrow. Are you kidding me?! I could get a $500 a month house payment and be done with it in 15 years?! I know! I'll call Mark Onen, the guy who helped me get this loan. I'll ask him and see how close Pasqual was with his numbers. Because if it's true, I'm going to refinance!
I got in touch with Mark through Facebook and we'll see what happens next .... stand by.
OK, talked to Mark and my guy was all wrong. So, I have to pursue an appraisal and get the PMI taken off my loan. Somehow.
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