Meaning. In order to be worth it every day, life must have meaning. There has to be a reason to get up each day and move around in the world, take care of things, engage with others and keep on going or else why bother. I seem to have slipped away from my meaning in life and I'm not sure how to get it back. I woke up this morning feeling empty and bored. I thought maybe I ought to find a job or go back to the hospital and do transport, but that would just be delaying the issue. I need to explore meaning in life and find out where mine went and how to create some more of it.
First of all, I think a lot of my life's meaning was helping others and having the intention to help others with my writing and workshops. I put everything aside in January intending to write books and when I hit a bumpy patch that hurt too much, I stopped working on that but didn't add anything back. I continued to hold space for writing even though I wasn't doing it. So I've been living in the void, missing Stephen, missing family, missing everything but unwilling to get up and do something different. Meaning has drained away from my life and that's what's making me feel so lost and drifting.
I still have my studio and my home here, I haven't given any of that up yet but I've been thinking about it. Without meaning, I'm getting bored and for me, there's nothing worse. And without Stephen, I'm finding it hard to care about anything. Life in this perpetual sadness is hard to bear. Although I've been feeling better the last few weeks, not nearly as horrible as I had been between Stephen's birthday and mine. I've been waiting for something to come along that I could care about other than myself, my cats, and my house. I've been casting about wondering what might attract me next. Anything? Denise came to town and needed at place to stay for a night and I pitched in and got ready for her. I cared about that. Now my house is clean and I could actually do some things around here, clean up the back yard, plant stuff in the front beds, hire someone to help with the deck out back --- it needs work. But I don't feel like posting a workshop or casting anything at all out into the future.
OK, well, now I've written it down and know what the problem is. All I have to do is keep an eye out for something to care about and see what happens next. I'll practice being open. I'll practice non-judgement. I'll practice keeping my vibration high enough to stay in gratitude and appreciation while I wait for something to love again. I'll go to the gym this afternoon whether James shows up or not and I'll keep doing that. And I'll go to my studio and also find a place to hang out, a third place. Maybe Quinn's or someplace like that. There's a Denny's up by the airport ... hey, that might work! They have a counter. I could go up there and watch people work while I sit on my ass. Sounds like fun to me! I can take my iPad mini and the little keyboard, write in this blog and see what happens.
OK, I just went and plugged in the keyboard for my iPad mini.
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