Too breezy today for my taste but sunny and clear. It will warm up later and be a fine day, I'm sure. I don't have any plans for today. I hardly ever have plans for my days. I met Stephanie for breakfast on Wednesday and that was my big plan for the week. Then yesterday I dropped in to see Janna at work and caught as she was leaving for lunch, so that was lucky. Then I went to Vicki's last night and had a session; she did my birthday reading and I ran her some energy, but I still owe her more. Her birthday is next week, I'll get her a card made up and then get her the rest of her session. That will work. And I just had texts with Pam and we'll talk tonight. So that's a good week, I've had contact with all 4 of my best friends this week! Yaaay!
I still haven't bought any plants for the front yard and Vicki said that was a good thing, all the plants left over will go on sale soon at ShopKo when they close their garden center. Cool! So I'm late but saving money. I like that.
I have to pay my credit card bill as soon as I finish here and then see how much money I have left. After big expenses in April and May (taxes, my car, new desktop computer) my savings needs so help. It's a good thing I didn't buy a new car yet. I'll need to wait several months before I do that. Maybe in the fall I'll be ready again. Plus there's still so much to do around here. The deck. That leaking bathroom window. More insulation, but that can wait. A carport. And the yard. Sometimes I think I should sell this place and move to a rental but then I remember how much I hate renting, can hardly relax in a rental. I'm so comfortable here. I really am, more comfortable than ever before in my life. And beings this is the hardest part of my life, having a comfortable place to live has made all the difference.
I have a EFT class scheduled for June 12, I need to confirm a venue and then create an event notice on Facebook in the next few days. I hope a few people will want to attend. I hope we can use Pam's office space. I didn't like how Midge got everyone onto her stuff --- she should have told me she was going to do that. She had more contact with my students to begin with than I did and had them off on other things. It made for confusing energy and harder to get gathered up and begin and connect. I didn't appreciate that, I don't want to use her space anymore.
Yesterday I began watching a documentary on Netflix, Sugar Coated, about the toxic nature of sugar and how it's promoted by the sugar industry. How it's causing the the health crisis in America and how it's killing people. Yaaay! I knew all that but it's got great research. I can use that. Because then I got a title and focus for the story of my mother:
Death by Sugar
How My Mother Killed Herself With Sweets
I fought with my mother for the last 3 years of her life. I pleaded, I begged, I belittled, I had no sympathy, no compassion for her at all in the years after my dad died. I don't know exactly when it started, when she stopped eating real food and decided to only eat sweets. It may have developed over a period of years. In 1997 I was visiting in Hermiston and she and I and a friend of hers walked a high school track near their house one morning, so it was after that. At that time she was still trying, still cared about herself. Then she came to visit me in Morro Bay in 2001 and she was angry and hated everything. So it happened in the four years between 1997 and 2001. What happened in their lives in those years? Well, I'll tell you --- my dad's health went bust, he could no longer work at all, couldn't bring in any extra money, and my mother reacted poorly to this turn of events. But it began a few years before that, too. Dad had open heart surgery in 1996, the night of the full lunar eclipse, Sept 26. I stayed with Mom at a room provided near the hospital. That was the first time I had spent any time with her alone in many years and she told me of an experience she had, where a click went off in here head, a switch was clicked off, and after that she no longer cared about Dad in any way. We talked about it a lot in those days I spent with her in Seattle but we never spoke of it again after that. That's got to be important information, though. I'll explore that.
So what I'm going to do is practice my memoir writing skills by doing the exercises in my Handling the Truth book, which should arrive today, the copy I'll get to mark up, and tell the story of my mother, all I can remember, and maybe discover why she gave up on herself and refused to eat and finally died. It was a strange journey she was on. She wasn't quite right in the head in many ways but after years of a sweets-only diet, she had wrecked her brain completely. There was no dealing with her, no reasoning. I think this could be a compelling story to share with others but if not, it can be a story just for me and Nathan.
As much as I wanted to write about what happened to Stephen, I'm simply not ready. I have processed what happened to my mother and I wrote to her and about her for 9 months after she died. I have all that in my notebooks at the studio, and I had a resolution experience with her that is worth sharing. I can still feel it. I think this is the story to tell right now, the one to start with. And so I shall.
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