Up and writing. Bed is made, cats are out playing. I've got my coffee and my gum and I'm ready to lay down some words on the page. This morning was the fourth morning in a row where I listened to the Love and Gratitude track first thing and then a few more as I lay with the ball under my neck and did my breathing. That ball is making a huge difference in the way my neck feels. In a few years, I expect to have healed the curve of my neck completely. Wish I had known about this before! And the breathing is keeping my lungs healthy despite the grief.
Listening closely to the CD tracks, I heard them in a different way this morning ... I heard more details that had eluded me before. The music is more powerful then I imagined! There's no doubt that I feel better then I have in weeks, lighter, more perky, willing to laugh out loud and move my body. The depression that has had me captured for so long and was wanting to claim my life has been beaten back with our ThoughtBeat technology. I wish I could see what the brain is doing when those tracks are playing and what the different tracks do to different parks of the brain. I'll bet Heidi would help me with it if I were down there. But now my ears are ringing. That didn't happen the other times I've listened with the headphones. I wonder what's up with that?
I've been sleeping great the last few weeks, going to bed early and getting up earlier. I've been sleeping straight through the night, not waking up to pee or anything. The other day, Sunday, Rocky woke me up at 5am wanting to snuggle. He was purring in my ear and licking my arm --- I have no idea what was up with that. Maybe he had a dream and woke up friendly. Anyway, I was awake and feeling fine, so I got up at a little after 6am and had my whole day without a nap or a fade. I was sure ready for bed at 10pm but it was a good day. Surprising! As I'm typing right now, I can feel a fade and wouldn't mind laying down for a bit. It's these ears and the ringing. My ears have been terrific since the last time I cleaned them out. I'm sure tired of this ringing already.
So what else. Yesterday was really windy so I didn't go buy plants or work in the yard at all. Late afternoon I ran a few errands and then came home. I've been watching my diet for the past week, hoping to see results but it's too soon to tell. I've lost 4oz in a week, which will be a pound a month if I keep up what I'm doing, which is only allowing one small dessert after dinner. Yesterday I ate too much bread at breakfast and the night before, I had a big hamburger and French fries with Janna at Carl's Jr for our Mother's Day dinner. But no cokes. I haven't had a soft drink in months. No milk at breakfast. No candy, no snacks with carbs. I should see results soon and I'm thinking I can live with this, that it's a sustainable diet. I may have to step it up some in order to lose the weight I need to lose by the reunion in July. But for now, it's good. I'd like to lose a pound a week but we'll see what I have to do to make that happen.
Today is the gym. James hasn't met me there in over a week. I went alone last Friday and I'll go alone again if I have to but I sure enjoy it more when he goes too. I really look forward to our gym visits. I've gotten very attached to that man --- what a heart he has!
Well, I'm done for today. Nothing deep or sad, just a day in the life. It's 10:10 ... smile time. I used to have such a great happiness practice. Losing Stephen sure changed all that. I went from practicing happiness to trying to survive my life in one swift moment. In a way, I did fall with him and I crashed hard. Suicide is a real mother killer. Who knew?
I met a woman yesterday, another suicide mom, Anne Moss Rogers. She lost her son, Charles, last year on June 5th, her one year is coming up. He hung himself. She is vocal and writes well. She has a blog and has a GriefHeart Project. I introduced myself to her yesterday and who knows what will come of it. I told Janna and Pam both that I was waiting for something to come along that I could care about. Anne does speaking and is working on a program through a mental health organization. I told her I was interested in participating with a program like that, speaking and educating about mental health, addiction and suicide. So who knows, maybe she's the one who will give me something worthwhile to do, get me some focus and direction. Or at least point the way. So far, Anne and her story is the closest to mine, we certainly have a lot in common. So we'll see. I found her when I Googled, Suicide ends a life, not a story. I found an article in her local newspaper. But maybe there's something in that sentence that would have value for me and for others. Maybe I could develop a writing program to help other parents and families of suicide to tell their stories and help them connect and heal. The writing of our story, of Stephen's story, has helped me survive, maybe it would help others. But that sentence sounds like a tag line. What would the title be?
I AM ; still here
Suicide Ends a Life, Not a Story
I could write my own stories and then have writing prompts and exercises at the end of each short chapter. That way I could be writing our stories and also a self-help book for others. I could use the book, The Sound of Paper by Julia Cameron as the model --- short chapters of personal musings and then the prompt. It could be a guided writing program. With the book I could grow into workshops and speaking programs.
So, is that it? Is this what I've been looking for? Will Julia Cameron inspire me to get going, get writing, yet again? I like it but I remain guarded. I've been inspired before but I've never had an actual book in my hands to model before. Will that make the difference?
We'll see. So there, I did have some inspiration today, it's wasn't just drivel. Yaaay! Off I go for my day. It's hair wash day and I've got a little time and a few things to do before I jump in.
No comments:
Post a Comment