California, 1956

8:55am                     My Daily Pages                         42°  Boise

Worn out, I went to bed at 10:40 last night, turned off the light at 11:00 and got up a little after 8am. This was a perfectly timed night's sleep and it was wonderful. This is what I've been working up to for the past six months, this is the schedule I would love to be able to live with for the rest of the time as I'm writing books. These will be the hours that I shoot for. I know that seems like a long time in bed, but I read before turning the light off and then I breathe and stretch with the ball under my neck before I get up. The things I do for my health and my mind take time and it's important that I honor myself and allow the time. I love being healthy and my life habits, all of them, even the little details, make that happen.

This morning, while still in bed, I thought of the room I rented for classes, Studio 21, and I realize that I've cooled and no longer want to do that right now. I gave up guitar lessons on Monday and today I'll give notice on the extra studio. I'll keep #23. I love having it there even though I haven't spent much time there lately. I love having all that stuff out of my house and accessible somewhere else. And I love that I practice typing here in the mornings during the week. I don't need to teach classes right now, I need to heed the yearnings and just focus on writing and leave everything else be for now. I'll send Horace an e-mail when I finish here and give notice for the end of the month. He can begin advertising right now, no reason to wait. Maybe I'll help. Yep, I'm sitting here feeling that room and that idea and it has truly faded into nothing. If I do decide to go ahead and teach the EFT class on March 12th, I'll contact Midge and see if she still has her rooms on Orchard. The class is only two hours, I could do it here at home if I have to, if I decide to and if I clean! Ha.

I feel like my life is distilling. Maybe this is what it feels like to begin to focus on one thing and leave the rest of the ideas and activities behind. This is what I've wanted for so long, the ability to step inside and close the door, leaving everything that isn't THIS outside. There's no longer anyone to take care of, no one needs me, no one is dying and if they are, they haven't asked for my help in any way. I really am free to do whatever I want to do. I've been practicing the Superbrain Yoga technique for three days and something has indeed shifted in me. I'm ready to tell my stories and I'm ready to knuckle down and focus. Mornings are for writing and here I am doing that. Yes!

California, 1956

The earliest memory I have is of trying to wake my mother in the morning and not being able to get her to wake up past a few sputtering demands that I go away. It was dark so it must have been very early but we were hungry, my little brother and me. Since I was the big sister, it was up to me to lead the way in our daily lives and I was a relentless and creative leader. At only 14 months younger, Gerald was a willing accomplice and my first friend.

We didn't know at the time how young our mother was and how ill-prepared she was for life on her own, especially motherhood. All we knew is that we were hungry most of the time and supervision was light. Mom was only 20 years old, had two little children, a divorce and a fresh nursing certificate from a small school in Pendleton, Oregon. And yet here we were in Southern California, a thousand miles from the place of our birth with no extended family, very little money and a mother with dreams but not one clue how to make them come true.

I was born in 1953 in a tiny town Eastern Oregon, Gerald was born in 1954 in the same town. Later we would find out that our mother was born there too, in the very same hospital in 1936, which would make her 16 years old at my birth and 17 at Gerald's, turning 18 just a few weeks later. Our parents divorced shortly after that and mom often said throughout the years, "I was 18 years old, divorced, with two little kids. What was I supposed to do?"

OK, we'll cut and paste that over to a document and see where it goes. Good session this morning, although I did spend time looking at maps of LA trying to find the name of that first town we lived in down there. No luck so far but I'm open for inspiration, Mom. I hope you don't mind if I tell this story and if you do, too bad. I'm telling it. You know I love you!