2007 was a good year ....

9:40am                         Writing Practice                        33°  Boise

Frosty out this morning, I hope all the newly blooming things survived the cold night. February was so warm, we all got lulled into thinking winter was over. But the day is bright and beautiful, it may warm up again. March only has another week and then it's on to April, the month of my birth. I'll be 63 years old. My next and last big bonus birthday is 65 and then I'll qualify for Medicare and I won't owe hardly any state taxes. Two more years.

Yesterday I went and drove that 2007 Vibe I was talking about and it was fine, probably the best vehicle I could find in that price range. I applied for a loan through Key Bank but it was too late in the day and I won't find out until Monday. In theory, I could take $3000 out of my savings account and put $3000 on my Capital One card and buy it today, then get financing next week. I was offered $1000 for Sybil as she sits from Jeff at State Street Auto Body last Thursday. Then it would become a kid car and who knows how she would be treated.

Funny. When I bought my little red car back in 1994, I told people that I would be keeping her forever and that someday she would be Stephen's car. 22 years later, I still have the car but Stephen is a box of ashes in my closet. He did use her to learn to drive in 2007. He was a very good driver once he learned. He was such a late bloomer in so many ways.

2007 was a great year for us, Stephen and me. We started out the year in Hannibal, working on the CD. We went to a movie on New Year's Eve, The Holiday, a sweet romantic comedy that we loved. That was out last New Year's Eve together. He was 23. In fact, 2007 was our last full year together. He left for Portland in November 2008, came back here September 2009, then left again July 2010, never to return.

2007 saw us completing our CD project, selling our house in Hannibal, moving to Boise, Stephen meeting Tony (a real boyfriend), learning to drive and getting his license. Then I bought this cottage in October and moved in over Thanksgiving weekend while he was spending the holiday with John's family in Hanford. Stephen was involved with Tony through the holidays and New Year's, so we didn't do anything much together. Although I think I made Christmas meat loaf dinner for all of us, including Mark, a tradition we continued for five years. The last one of those Stephen attended was 2009. That was the one where RubyAnn showed up a few weeks before and inserted herself into Mark's life. It was only a matter of time before she cut me out of his life and I knew it would happen the minute I met her.

So I guess I'm saying, I'm cool with buying a 2007 Vibe. That year treated us really well from beginning to end. Also, I'm not ready to commit to a huge car payment for the next six years. I haven't had a car payment since 1999, I need to start slow. I've had the best car of my life the last 22 years, who knows what the next one will be but I just want to start slow and work up. Or maybe see what the future brings. Just this morning I had the idea to take Sybil up to the mountains and find a nice cliff to drive off. When I go, I'd like to go with her. But then there's Nathan and Stephanie and James to think of. I don't want to hurt any young people with my passing so that idea is for another day. Besides, suicide isn't something you just up and do one day. You have to work up to it, it takes a plan and a lot of nerve to end a life. Suicide is not for the undecided or faint of heart, that's for sure.

Now, how did I get off on that subject? I guess I want to acknowledge that I have those thoughts. Ideas of ways to exit come to me at random moments and I entertain them for a bit, usually briefly. It doesn't take long to remember that I can't leave that way. After my last attempt, I promised not to do that again but then I spent another 14 years in self-destructive behavior that could have lead to my demise ... but didn't. I'm still here and that was 38 years ago. If anyone ever read this or any of my pages, they would think I was whacked. And maybe I am in a way. Stephen's life and suicide has left me in a void that I just rattle around in.

"Music survives everything, and like God, it is always present." Eric Clapton

When I heard that sentence in Clapton, The Autobiography, I knew it had significance for what I'm trying to write. I must do something with Stephen's music, it's his legacy. So are his photographs. I can't go until I get that job done. And whatever I do with it will be my legacy. He and I will leave no biological trace on this world (and Nathan doesn't intend to either but he's got his own art and plans for a legacy and is still alive to hone it all) and so the best I can do is take what Stephen left and combine it with my talents and ideas and make something of it all. Not everything is a masterpiece but all efforts are worthy of history in some way. Someday, someone might benefit from what I'm trying to do and if not, I will never know.

OK, off to get a grip. Breakfast first and then, who knows?